I think at this point it is worth pointing out that the last few weeks (possibly months) have not been as fun as I thought and that I think I am using Go With Crow as a distraction. I don't want to get all depressing on you- and I won't, BUT all this activity and whatever you want to call it does not mean I'm, by any stretch of the imagination, "out of the shit."
'What is he banging on about?' I hear you cry! Well, I'm not right still. My left leg really bothers me- still no sensation on the outer surface of my thigh and it's been like that for a bloody long time AND my stomach still hurts where they sewed me up. It varies day by day and can go from a 4/10 to an 8/10. They told me it would improve over the year. Lying sods!
'Phil, stop whinging' - I'm whinging? Nah- this isn't whinging...no where near the whinge gear yet ;-)
But, while I'm here and have your attention, the physical stuff isn't the only thing. Flashbacks. Flashbacks like I don't know where to begin and, at the moment they are becoming stronger and more frequent. The only time they seem to stop is when I'm asleep. How odd! I'd have thought they'd be worse then. Glad they're not. I'm feeling quite mixed up at the moment because of these flashbacks. I want to work, I don't want to work- I'll do some stuff for Go With Crow to distract me from work so I think I'm working. When I am shooting, designing or whatever, I'm totally there and loving it. It's the thought of doing something fills me with dread. WTF is that all about? I find it hard to concentrate. Like I said, at the moment, I'm easily distracted and I'm in a vicious circle knowing I need to work but not necessarily wanting to. Is this like a post trauma thing? I can't afford time off!! I had 6 months off last year- not that I wanted to, so I can't take any more time out. I'm also aware of so called 'competition' around me. There are more photographers setting up businesses.... one guy is offering a 2hr portrait shoot with 20 photoshopped images on disc for £50... I'm amazed! That is desperate and surely it cannot be sustainable. It's a shame because it drags down us decent photographers. Going a bit off topic there but you get my point. Self employment aint all it's cracked up to be. Well, not at the moment it's not.
All I want to do is spend time with my family and my friends and cycle & run. Luckily for me I realise to do any of these things I (unfortunately) do have to get up off my ass and earn some money to do these things. It's not under sufferance, it's just.... these flashbacks are starting to drag me down. Oh crap I'm just repeating myself now. You get the picture. I'm not depressed, I'm just not happy with certain things. That's ok isn't it?
Just adding another note about flashbacks here- I also get flashbacks with taste. I was doing a spin class the other day and a taste from ICU came back of some sticks they used to let me use to wet my mouth when I was ventilated. I could even 'taste' the big tubey pipe being pulled out the other day. So flashbacks, sensations, tastes and feelings all triggered by.... I have no idea!
And last week, I kind of really lost the plot. I got really mad for no reason, went to work and cried all the way there. Ground control?...Houston, we have a problem. OK, handbrake. Back to the Docs and back to my counsellor I think. Whilst at the GP's I asked again about my leg. Now, doctors go through a good 5 or 6 years university training, then all that experience in hospitals, so I really didn't need to see what happened next... she Googled my leg. Fact! Luckily I had the manners to keep some self-control and saved my outburst of expletives for in the car! Bleeding hell- she actually sat on her fat salaried arse and Googles my effing leg AND still didn't have any answer for me!
So, I've 'sat' on this post since the 29th. I wasn't sure if I should make this one public. This blog was never meant to be some sort of therapeutic rant. It's about the runs and rides and raising money and this is getting a wee bit too personal for my liking. However, some people- certainly people who have had sepsis and have been in ICU might read some of this crap and be able to relate to it. If it helps one person not feel alone then it was worth it. So, here goes...be kind to me...
July '11 FFS...it's never ending. HOW MUCH OF THIS DO I NOT KNOW... tonight I'm told I was asleep for over a week as I was so ill at one point. I was on nearly every machine going to keep me alive. How am I supposed to cope with this information? How can I keep my sanity. How can I cope with the fact my family had to cope...
Feb '14 this shows how information dribbles out. Yesterday I found out that I also had pneumonia. PNEUMONIA FFS I ask you... I think the only thing I didn't have was the runs! More and more to think about. Just when I'm at my limit. Just when I have it all in its compartments in my head, more comes to light. Had enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment