Speaking publicly

Now there's a turn up for the books... I've been asked to speak at a conference on Sepsis down in London: Saving Lives- Sepsis Conference, April 2013

I've been asked to set the scene for the day from a patient perspective of the impact sepsis can have and how important it is for clinicians to adhere to the guidelines on recognising and responding to sepsis. 

"If you can tell your story, including the good aspects and the areas that could have been improved for you and your family eg how was sepsis explained to you at the time, what could have helped you in you recovery etc and the impact it has had on your life since – but also remind people that for many the outcome can be much worse."

This came about because of a story published with the Sepsis Alliance. 

Now I've never spoken in public before- let alone to a room full of medical consultants, so it's gonna be a big ask. Luckily, some friends will be coaching me and hopefully I won't get too emotional (I always do when I talk about it) though I think doing this will do me some good. It's time these professionals realised what happens on the other side when 'survivors' leave hospital as they never find out because they have to move on to the next patient.

I think it also important to bring to their attention the 'fallout' that occurs and I don't just mean PTSD but the financial side (certainly for the self employed) such as critical illness insurance not covering, in my case, sepsis or acute pancreatitis PLUS the fact I was not taken seriously by the Financial Ombudsman.

So 2013 should be an interesting year... let's hope that works out as interesting in a good way.

Nottingham Ho!

It seems occasionally the NHS creates a system that actually works. NHS Book and Choose is one of those things that makes sense AND more importantly...works! I was referred by my GP to Nottingham, the appointment, web ref and password all came through which allowed me to swap my date (due to work) with no bother at all! Wow!
So on the 7 December my wife and I nipped over to Nottingham City Hospital. I was pretty much wound up over all this... so many what ifs in my head. I'd spoken to my counsellor at length about it all and "it's natural to be so anxious after your last ordeal"... Great. That helped. Thanks luv! "but it is a different hospital. A hospital you have confidence in." True but what if...
She was right. But I was still unsure. I know I need to have this op. I know this hospital looked after Scarlett brilliantly when she had her operations [for scoliosis] so what's my problem. Kinda obvious really isn't it!
Anyway, we got there- late- eventually found outpatients and got whizzed straight in (probably because we were late!)
"Would you mind if a couple of our students examine you first? They've got their finals this afternoon."
"Bring it on. Yes that's fine!!"
The poor sods... like lambs to the slaughter
"So Mr Crow, can you give us a little of your history as to why you are here today."
"You want the short or long version?"
"Erm, long please."
So they got it. With both barrels. By the time I'd finished they had the usual expression I've grown accustomed to... jaw on the floor, not saying much.
So they had a prod and a poke and they umm'd and ahh'd made a bit of smalltalk (must have been taught to do that at Uni!) and went off to write it up.
Next, we got a visit from the Consultant's Registrar(?) who had a read of the notes supplied by the students (can you believe they didn't have my noted from Lincoln!) and asked a few more questions, then decided Mr Ubhi needed definitely to see me.

Let's check him out...

Mr Charanjeit Singh Ubhi

Consultant Surgeon

• Sub-specialties:Gallbladder surgery, Hernia inguinal, Laparoscopy, Thyroid Surgery
• GMC membership number:2386450
• Date of registration:01 Aug 1977
• Grade of clinical excellence award:Level 9 What is this?
• Email:c.ubhi@nuh.nhs.uk

I am a trained General Surgeon undertaking gastrointestinal, endocrine and laparoscopic surgery. Due to clinical demands, in the last few years the majority of my in-patient activity has been in thyroid, parathyroid and adrenal surgery. I maintain my general interests with day case surgery performing laparoscopic and open procedures with cholecystectomy. inguinal and incisional hernia procedures forming the major components. I have an active role in training junior staff in surgery and Higher Surgical Training. I have a much wider remit for training in my role as Regional Specialty Adviser.

Hmm, not bad... looks like he should understand all the sh*t I've been through. Good bedside manner and gave direct answers with no skirting around the issue. I'm going to need open surgery due to the previous surgeries in that area for him to repair the hernia. This might not remove all the pain I have in that area but it will certainly repair the hernia (other pains could be caused by surgical adhesions but he was only to repair the hernia)- this is a less serious operation in the respect that it's 'surface' and they do not go right in through the peritoneum, only dealing with the muscle wall. Well that's how I understood it!
Effects? Well, probably an overnight stay, then home (I've been here before- or not, if you get me!) and TOTAL REST- not even driving, lifting a thing- for 2 weeks followed by a SLOW integration back into work and general shenanigans.... so it's pretty much like having a cesarian. Well that's work buggered up for a month- possibly two! Great  -_-
Next we went off for pre-op... questionnaire, blood pressure, general Q&A with another nurse who was nice and quite helpful- always a bonus!
Oh, forgot to say, OI asked Mr Ubhi about cans and can'ts and his answer was "I never stop my patients doing anything before surgery. Be sensible and listen to your body. If it hurts, stop." JESUS! Specialist subject, the bleedin obvious or what!
So, dear reader you again will witness the shittiness of this Government and how self employed people are looked after. Well, they're not. It's that simple. Anyone else would be on sick pay. Me? Nowt... maybe claim some benefit after a ridiculous questionnaire but I've been here before and got nothing. Think we might have to explore the CAB this time.
So, where am I with all this at the moment... well, I'm wearing compression tops. These ones are great and they do help.

• Am I in pain? Yes but not all the time. 
• Can I do gym? No- it's too much and too much strain. 
• Can I cycle? Yes, I'm doing flat routes when the weather allows or on the turbo. 
• Can I run? Well, surprisingly, yes. I did the Santa run, expecting to walk and actually managed to run the course...comfortably! It's only 3.5km but considering I'd not run since the London 10k in July so I was happy with that (legs not so happy now!!)

Third time lucky?

I think not!
Allow me to explain...
So, 2 years ago we had THE op. No need to go over old ground. You, reader, know what happened or if you don't, look further back in the blog. What's happened since... well, 2 bouts of counselling and, last week not only did I begin a new session of counselling (or 'Nut Club' as a friend of mine coined it!) but I also had another fekking operation! Luckily this one was not related to the previous one:
[at the dentist a few months ago]
"Ah Phil, you seem to have a blocked saliva gland. Oh, seems to be a stone in there. I'll get you referred to the Max Fax dept at the Hospital."
"Oh, erm, okay!?"
[a few weeks later at Lincoln Hospital]
"Ah yes Mr Crow, we'll give you a general anaesthetic and whip that out no problem."
"No you won't!"
"Erm, what?!"
"Can you do it with a local?"
"I guess so."
"Right, that's okay then."
So last week, I went in (PROPER shitting myself!) and within 10 mins, it was over. Blimey, that's all good then!
So the score stands at 3 to the counselling and 2 to the operations.

About the same time as I got referred back to Nut Club, I asked the GP about my stomach as it had been giving me some gip.
"So Doctor, do I have a hernia?"
"Oh no, it all looks fine to me."
"Phew!"

Still in some pain- worse than then I decide to go back to the GP's to ask again thinking, this time it's possibly post surgical adhesions: it is actually quite painful when I'm stood up ad walking. Helen says go and see Dr Barber as he knows my case history.

"Dr Barber, what the hell is going on with my stomach?"
"Let's have a look- Oooo it is a bit misshapen... lie down... Oh, now it's gone.... yes that's what we call an incisional hernia. I'd recommend you get that seen to as it'll not go away and will be painful."
"Can I go to a different hospital... like, er, NOT Lincoln!"
"Oh yes, don't blame you, that'll be fine. I'll draft a letter."

So, dear reader, that is where it's at now. Am I happy...ER NO! But it'll be sorted and hopefully sorted properly. Looks like it'll be a few months wait which sounds painful but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I hope this isn't going to limit my cycling or spin. Got a feeling it'll take the fun out of running until it's sorted. I hope my work won't suffer more from this. It's bad enough with my mental state that my work has suffered, but with Nut Club and with this, now, up and coming procedure, I HAVE to be optimistic that it'll be third time lucky with both.

Gran Fondo Di Roma Part 2

Bags packed, bikes packed, all weighed as we have 23kgs each and we are set. Off to Heathrow to get the early flight to Rome!
We arrive mid morning in a damp and dreary capital city... this isn't how it's supposed to be in Rome- where's the sun!?
We collect our bikes and head off to get a taxi- plenty of them here- like flies round sh*t wanting a fare. "I have good taxi- where you want to be? yes, I know that well €80"
"HOW MUCH!? Jon, tell him to ____ off!" We'd seen signs in the airport saying taxi to Rome should be about €40.... well maybe that's each? "Ok, Ok, let's go"
Great hotel, not in the centre- about 3km out but great price and facilities. Our room was pretty big too- needed to be as we turned it into a workshop to get the bikes ready! MIND THE WHITE SHEETS WITH THAT CHAIN!

So, with the bikes built, we headed off to the Circo Massimo and a very damp event village. Now languages are not my forté but I'll give it a go and struggle/mime my way through any communications but registration was an absolute bun fight. No shelter for people registering and all trying to get to a desk to speak to someone. Meanwhile, Jon and I- looking very confused try in a very British way to attract some attention eventually find someone whose English is marginally better than our Italian. This is the point where we find if our race licenses are any good.... and it's all fine. They have a good look at the license- pass it round and a few shrugs and nods, we're signed in- no problem! Phew. We collect our race chip and jersey, have a look at the damp displays and head off for food and shelter. Walking through this area of Rome is bizarre. It's kind of like Pompeii but still in use. So you get a mixture of, say 80AD buildings with 20th Century buildings tacked on or built round. The Colosseum is a classic example: it's surrounded by offices, restaurants and roads!

I have no idea what this archway is (I'll look it up and add a link) but it is STUNNING. And it's right next to the Colosseum. The detail is incredible and, guessing this is about 2000 years old, amazing for it's age.

Back to the hotel, dinner and an early night. We checked our weather apps to see what was in store for us on race day: in varying degrees, they all said....rain! Bugger. Was hoping dry at least. Oh well, no choice I guess, just take it easy on the descents. Also, within the race pack, total time allowed to complete had been changed from 7 hours to 6.30 hours which we felt was borderline for us doing the long course. We'll see on the day!

shot with my iPhone on the new 'panorma' setting- fantastic and good size files!

As you can see, the sun came out and the rain stayed away. Slight technical problem at the start: Jon's bike had been bashed in transit on the plane and his rear derailleur adjuster had been bust (so much for the tough bike box he'd hire!) so we got one of the many mechanics to sort him out. We were set!

Once we set off we had a sort of 'procession' stage which was 7 km around Rome and the Colusseum- plenty of pavé to ride on which played havoc with people's cameras! Once we'd completed this amazing loop, we were out on the road. Fantastic course and all closed roads. 5000 cyclists is quite a sight! We stuck with the 60 mile route (though with hind sight, we could have completed the 95 miles) - the climbing was wonderful, the roads were fast as were the descents. I lost Jon which I kind of expected as we were all in the same jersey. Some people had ribbon attached to their helmets- good idea and one to remember!!

One image that was mildly amusing was an ambulance with sires and lights coming toward us and the passenger paramedic was smoking out of the window!! 

Short film showing some of the day...Run VT!

Time for this one was 3hrs 34min. Back to the race village for some pasta, bikes back to the hotel then off into town for some proper food...and wine!!

The following day we had some free time before we had to be back at the airport so we did the tourist think... Vatican, Trevi Fountain etc and with the weather still holding (it was supposed to be rain and lightening this day!) we even went looking for a bike shop! well, that was why we were there!! 

Finally we set off for the airport. We'd book a taxi at the hotel. Got to Fiumicino and was charged.....€40- totally ripped off by the previous taxi but we know for the future! Ciao x

Pain and Disfigurement

Recently I've been getting a load of pain where I was operated on.... Not gonna blow this out of context- it comes and goes- and is a max pain of 4/10 so it's more 'a pain' than a proper pain if you get me. However, with all this cycling I seem to have changed shape a bit- for the better...BUT the scar tissue under my skin from the operations is starting to bulge and, to me, is starting to get unsightly. Not happy about this new revelation and I don't know what to do- I think a trip to the Docs is in order purely for reassurance that nothing is turning into a hernia. I certainly do not want any more surgery. maybe I just need to know it's ok and 'normal' and not gonna turn into something nasty. Hmmm....

I distinctly remember being told in hospital that the scar tissue would disperse over 12 months... well it's 2 years now and I feel like John Merrick!

UPDATE:
So, I went to the docs. Initially my main reason/concern was all of the above. However, things change pretty quick in the head of Phil Crow and to say I've hit a low would be an understatement. I feel at my lowest point, I feel undervalued, paranoid and so alone. I daren't talk to anyone about what happened and what I went through because I feel like I'm boring them and they don't want to hear it...again. I'm struggling with work: do I want to work- not really; do I enjoy work- yes, I guess so; do I need to work- unfortunately, yes. There has never been a time I could process everything that happened. I came out of hospital, got fit again, started work because I had to.... never a time where I could sit and do nothing and I think this is having an effect now. It's so frustrating that just when you think you're on top of it all, it comes back and knocks you for six. I'm so tired of it all.
Anyway, thought I'd drop this on the Doc- 6 questions on a bit of paper is how I'm diagnosed and, yes, I'm referred.... Again, that'll be another 6-8 weeks until anything is done. FFS!
Meanwhile, my physical shape- apparently everything is okay- no hernia- plenty of scar tissue but that's normal (HA!) The pain could be cause by intestine stuck to my abdomen wall when the operation happened as everything gets stuck together after an operation but it's nothing to worry about (easy to say when it's not you!) so that was that. In the mean time, I'm sat here with a massive sense of loss, worry, foreboding and general panic. Yesterday I cried too much. I want this to stop.

Cat & Fiddle

The Cat & Fiddle is a pub overlooking the Peak district near Leek. For today, it is a 55 mile 'club' ride beginning in darkest Burslem at Brian Rouke Cycle shop. Allegedly Sean Kelly was riding (and Jonathan Tiernan-Locke had tweeted he too was riding) though there was so many people out for this one, not a chance of spotting them. For myself and Jon, this was to be our final longish training ride before Italy next week.
We left Lincoln about 0545 arriving in a very foggy Burslem at 8 ish meeting up with my old college mate Al whom I'd 'persuaded' to come along and haul his ass around this course.... well, he needed the exercise :-)

 Registration was easy and we headed off pretty much straight away. The first 20 miles was main road out of the urban areas into the main climb. So many traffic lights and roadworks (with traffic lights) to get through- it began to split us up so we had to keep regrouping. By the bottom of the climb, we'd lost Al though I think he had not trained as much as us (that's what happens when you become a dad for the first time- lovely little lad too!). I might also add at this point, ice was forming on us due to the wind chill. Great. As we began to climb, though, we broke through the fog into beautiful clear skies. This really is a reason to cycle. (It turns out we were über lucky with the weather: last year it pi**ed down and the previous year, 40mph winds were blowing cyclist over! gulp!!) The climb across to the Cat & Fiddle was stunning, just stunning. I've not enjoyed such views since last years Swiss ride. It's moments like this that make me so happy and full of life. I had also realised at this point I was riding quite well for me. It's a long gradual climb- no idea what gradient and it goes on for a while- totally suited to me and definitely the way to get up this hill, rather than Mow Cop! At the top, I waited for Jon at a cafe: the Cat & Fiddle was another half mile away. We regrouped and moved on to the Cat, had a drink and energy bar and carried on.

The roads were in great shape and the descent was fast. Lovely!
We descended down into Leek (and more roadworks) A59 - A53 taking us through Dunwood and Norton Green with some short sharp climbs. Staffordshire is full of these short steep sharp climbs- alot of people don't like them as they seem to keep coming and coming.
Arriving back at Rourkey's and signing off, I completed in 3hrs 30m taking out my stop. Jon was another 20 mins, while Al was still 9 miles behind us (I had him tagged on an app on my phone, so we simply 'watched' him come in!)

gerrof yer bike and have a picture taken!

that's better!

EVENT PHOTOGRAPHY BUSINESS LESSON No. ONE

HOW NOT TO DO IT

Let's do a little extra piece here... there is a photographer in attendance at this event... Codsall Photographic. You can Google them, easy enough to find. I'm giving them no other publicity than that. They shot from one point on the ride... not the best viewpoint for an image and with THE worst advertising to flog their pictures... it took me AGES to find them. What's the point?! What is the point of shooting all this if you are not advertising where the pictures can be viewed- might as well have stayed in bed mate! 

Well, I now know why they have kept advertising quiet. The prices! WHAT A RIP OFF. Print prices are verging on bad but their digital file download...£16 per image! JESUS! This guy would make more money by dropping this to a fiver per download. At least he'd make a load of sales. It's an event picture, not a fekking wedding!

THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT!

Sportograf who shot the GF Roma charge €5.99 for one download and these are really good photos. Position of photographers is carefully chosen and there's an army of them PLUS if you buy all your images (and there were at least 10 of me) you can have the lot PLUS 45 'impressions' of the whole GF for €19.99. Now that is how to sell event pictures. Let's face it, no one else wants them. Better to sell more cheaply and get return business than price high and sell hardly any.

Gran Fondo Di Roma part 1

With about 10 days to go until it's time for the Gran Fondo di Roma, Jon- the guy I'll be riding with- planted a little seed of doubt into my head....

"do we need medical certs?"

"I dunno... do we?"

And if you check out their rules and regs, it's really not very clear-


Open to all adult male and female riders with a 2012 valid FCI (Federazione Ciclistica Italiana – Italian Cycling Federation), UDACE license and foreign riders in possession of a valid national 2012 license.

The event is also open to all cycling tourists between 15 - 18 years and over 64 who are entitled only for the classic course, 99 km.

For the non licensed there will be the possibility to buy a one day FCI license, for Euro 15,00, valid for a global responsibility and personal insurance for the whole event. This license can be handed out only after having showed a valid medical certification for agonistic races (for the 154 km Route) or a medical certification of good health (for the Classic Route 99 km).

and

Signature
With the online sending of the enrolment form, the participant declares being in possession of the medical certificate according to the Italian D.M.V. 18/02/1982, of the license, of private accident insurance, general third party liability insurance. Furthermore the participant declares having read and unconditionally accepted the above mentioned instructions and declares to accepting them in each point. The participant authorizes the use of his images and datas according to the Italian privacy law no. 196 of 2003

so there you have it. I rang British Cycling who were not very helpful as each event [abroad] can vary and also vary in classification as an event or competition. In the UK, a sportive (or GranFondo) is classed as a non competitive event. Doesn't really clarify anything does it!

So, to comply with the rules what have we done? Well, upped our BC membership to Silver so we at least have a provisional race licence; been to the GP and got a medical certificate signed and stamped (a word of warning here- book an appointment with your GP and ask him/her. Do not hand the form in to the receptionist as you will possibly be charged. My GP signed this without charge as I spoke direct to him); emailed the event organisers for clarification on exactly what we need to bring from the UK and if a BC prov licence is acceptable.

We probably won't need any of this and will sail through the sign in procedure. When I cycled in events in Switzerland and America, I wasn't asked to show anything. I kind of expect the same to happen here. The only reason we are more cautious is that Jon, last year, came off his bike on an event, so he's a little bit more cautious. Fair enough, and we aint getting any younger! hahaha!

Watch this space. If more information materialises, I'll report back!

BUT...

before then, there is the Cat and Fiddle to ride this Sunday!

Ride With Brad

"Come and join me on a challenging ride through the stunning Lancashire countryside and experience the roads and climbs I regularly train on.  This brand new event has been specially organised to help celebrate the launch of the Bradley Wiggins Foundation.  I look forward to welcoming you all and riding alongside many of you on what will be a special day for all the family."

Bradley Wiggins CBE

August 19th at 0430 I set off to do what it said on the tin and "Ride with Brad" With so much hype about Mr Wiggins after the Tour de France and the Olympics, I thought it best to be there in plenty of time to park and the route I'd signed up for was to set off at 0830.
There were 2 routes: 160km and 100km. Having seen the profiles PLUS knowing I had to be in a fit state to drive home again, I chose the shorter route. A decision well made. Just look for yourself...it's mad! But great fun!!

The event start and village was set in the village of Barnoldswick, Lancashire (very borderline Yorkshire!) and is a set of routes Wiggo uses to regularly train on.

Below are a couple of snaps before I set off in the 0830 group. At this point, the weather was improving and by the time we set off, the sun was out! Happy days!!

preparing for the ride

even Mrs W is riding- nice bike!!!

Wiggo sets off

Where do I begin with describing this ride? Well, to say it was tough would be an understatement. As you avid readers know, I'm not the most experienced rider, but I've done all sorts ...Wales ...Switzerland ...all sorts. The first 30 miles were fine. Good company, nice little bunch to shelter in, yes lumpy but nothing I wasn't used to. And then it happened. A wall appeared in front of me in the form of a ridiculously steep hill...well that's how it seemed. I'd managed Waddington Fell which was a timed climb. No idea what the gradient was but that was fine. Forty Acre Lane seems to be where I was walking. Let me google that and see if it tells me the gradient...It's mentioned with Longridge Fell -no mention of steepness, but trust me...it was!

Slight delay- baa!

Wiggo signing autographs at a feed station

Okay, back on the bike and away I go. As the morning progresses, the weather begins to turn. It's still warm but the rain creeps in. Remember, what else you get with lots of climbing? Lots of descents! And what happens when it rains? Slippy roads! Descents + slippy roads = not good for cyclists. Personally, I was letting rip at up to 40mph IF I could see ahead. The rain just made the descents more technical and riding the brakes just in case. I must congratulate everyone on this ride- I haven't heard of any bad accidents which is brilliant. Usually you get one or two (Step forward Jon and Gavin!) but all was well.

course profile

The last 10 miles of this ride were shocking for me. We climbed and climbed and climbed...until I didn't think it possible to climb any more. Relentless...totally relentless and, dear reader, yes, I had to walk some more. Yet another hill finished me off!

As I ride, all sorts of rubbish enters my head. On this occasion, I sort of dawned on me that up to 12-15% gradients, I'm okay with. Short sharp 17%+ I can just about managed but not much more. I'm way happier with loooong drawn out 5-10% steady climbing similar to the Dragon RideBUT I reckon there was another factor contributing to this... I'd hardly eaten and been up since 0400 and was getting by on water and gels! Hmmm, not good but I finished and the finish was great. In fact there were people everywhere cheering us all on (though I've a feeling they might have been waiting to get a glimpse of Mr Wiggins!) and as we all pulled toward the finish line there was lots of cheering. Great end to a tough ride. I crossed the line in 4hrs 35mins. Considering everything, I was okay with that PLUS I got back ahead of Wiggo PLUS I got a better time than Eurosport commentator David Harmon :)

more finishers

Once back and parked up, I collected my goodie bag (good haul, thanks Brad!!) and food (boy was I hungry!!) and had a wander around the race village. There was lots going on: Sky rides for kids, displays, stalls, raffle etc and, despite the rain, a good crowd had turned out. I even met Steven Burke, gold medal olympic team track pursuit rider! Bonus! Nice medal mate!!

Finally Wiggo appeared on the stage to draw the raffle and accept a presentation from Barnoldswick and a very embarrassing female town crier (the words "shut up" and "get on with it" were heard more than once. Well, we were getting piss-wet-through as it was, by now, hammering it down!)

The rain subsided (a bit) and finally we got to meet Brad. Photos, autographs and some banter are a massive crowd pleaser and it made the rain not matter. A lot of people had finally met their hero. A great way to end a great day.

Steve n me (no idea wtf I'm looking at! lol)

Obey The Rules

Had to post this article as it's had me in stitches. Lifted from www.velominati.com this subtle article of cycling etiquette is funny as it's mostly true! Great site, highly amusing. Their lexicon is good value too

To all newbies... pay attention and read on...

1. Rule #1 // Obey The Rules.

1. Rule #2 // Lead by example. It is forbidden for someone familiar with The Rules to knowingly assist another person to breach them.

1. Rule #3 // Guide the uninitiated. No matter how good you think your reason is to knowingly breach The Rules, it is never good enough.

1. Rule #4 // It’s all about the bike. It is, absolutely, without question, unequivocally, about the bike. Anyone who says otherwise is obviously a twatwaffle.

1. Rule #5 // Harden The Fuck Up.

1. Rule #6 // Free your mind and your legs will follow. Your mind is your worst enemy. Do all your thinking before you start riding your bike.  Once the pedals start to turn, wrap yourself in the sensations of the ride – the smell of the air, the sound of the tires, the feeling of flight as the bicycle rolls over the road.

1. Rule #7 // Tan lines should be cultivated and kept razor sharp. Under no circumstances should one be rolling up their sleeves or shorts in an effort to somehow diminish one’s tan lines. Sleeveless jerseys are under no circumstances to be employed.

1. Rule #8 // Saddles, bars, and tires shall be carefully matched. Valid options are:

• Match the saddle to the bars and the tires to black; or
• Match the bars to the color of the frame at the top of the head tube and the saddle to the color of the frame at the top of the seat tube and the tires to the color where they come closest to the frame; or
• Match the saddle and the bars to the frame decals; or
• Black, black, black

1. Rule #9 // If you are out riding in bad weather, it means you are a badass. Period. Fair-weather riding is a luxury reserved for Sunday afternoons and wide boulevards. Those who ride in foul weather – be it cold, wet, or inordinately hot – are members of a special club of riders who, on the morning of a big ride, pull back the curtain to check the weather and, upon seeing rain falling from the skies, allow a wry smile to spread across their face. This is a rider who loves the work.

1. Rule #10 // It never gets easier, you just go faster. As this famous quote by Greg LeMan tells us, training, climbing, and racing is hard. It stays hard. To put it another way, per Greg Henderson: “Training is like fighting with a gorilla. You don’t stop when you’re tired. You stop when the gorilla is tired.” Sur la Plaque, fucktards.

1. Rule #11 // Family does not come first. The bike does. Sean Kelly, being interviewed after the ’84 Amstel Gold Race, spots his wife leaning against his Citroën AX. He interrupts the interview to tell her to get off the paintwork, to which she shrugs, “In your life the car comes first, then the bike, then me.” Instinctively, he snaps back, “You got the order wrong. The bike comes first.”

1. Rule #12 // The correct number of bikes to own is n+1. While the minimum number of bikes one should own is three, the correct number is n+1, where n is the number of bikes currently owned. This equation may also be re-written as s-1, where s is the number of bikes owned that would result in separation from your partner.

1. Rule #13 // If you draw race number 13, turn it upside down. Paradoxically, the same mind that holds such control over the body is also woefully fragile and prone to superstitious thought. It fills easily with doubt and is distracted by ancillary details. This is why the tape must always be perfect, the machine silent, the kit spotless. And, if you draw the unlucky Number 13, turn it upside down to counter-act its negative energy.

1. Rule #14 // Shorts should be black. Team-issue shorts should be black, with the possible exception of side-panels, which may match the rest of the team kit.

1. Rule #15 // Black shorts should also be worn with leader’s jerseys. Black shorts, or at least standard team-kit shorts, must be worn with Championship jerseys and race leadership jerseys. Don’t over-match your kit, or accept that you will look like a douche.

1. Rule #16 // Respect the jersey. Championship and race leader jerseys must only be worn if you’ve won the championship or led the race.

1. Rule #17 // Team kit is for members of the team. Wearing Pro team kit is also questionable if you’re not paid to wear it.  If you must fly the colors of Pro teams, all garments should match perfectly, i.e no Mapei jersey with Kelme shorts and Telekom socks.

1. Rule #18 // No road jerseys or Lycra bibs when riding off-road. Cyclocross is a middle-ground. Best to wear cross-specific kit: skin suits only. No exceptions.

1. Rule #19 // No mountain jerseys or baggies when riding on the road. Cyclocross is a middle-ground. Best to wear cross-specific kit: skin suits only. No exceptions.

1. Rule #20 // There are only three remedies for pain. These are:

• If your quads start to burn, shift forward to use your hamstrings and calves, or
• If your calves or hamstrings start to burn, shift back to use your quads, or
• If you feel wimpy and weak, meditate on Rule 5 and train more!

1. Rule #21 // Cold weather gear is for cold weather. Knickers, vests, arm warmers, shoe covers, and caps beneath your helmet can all make you look like a hardman, when the weather warrants their use.

1. Rule #22 // Cycling caps are for cycling. Cycling caps can be worn under helmets, but never when not riding, no matter how hip you think you look. This will render one a douche, and should result in public berating or beating. The only time it is acceptable to wear a cycling cap is while directly engaged in cycling activities and while clad in cycling kit. This includes activities taking place prior to and immediately after the ride such as machine tuning and tire pumping.  Also included are cafe appearances for pre-ride espressi and post-ride pub appearances for body-refueling ales (provided said pub has sunny, outdoor patio – do not stray inside a pub wearing kit or risk being ceremoniously beaten by leather-clad biker chicks).   Under these conditions, having your cap skull-side tipped jauntily at a rakish angle is, one might say, de rigueur. All good things must be taken in measure, however, and as such it is critical that we let sanity and good taste prevail: as long as the first sip of the relevant caffeine or hop-based beverage is taken whilst beads of sweat, snow, or rain are still evident on one’s brow then it is legitimate for the cap to be worn. However, once all that remains in the cranial furrows is salt, it is then time to shower, throw on some suitable après-ride attire (a woollen Molteni Arcore training top circa ’73 comes to mind) and return to the bar, folded copy of pastel-coloured news publication in hand, ready for formal fluid replacement. It is also helpful if you are a Giant of the Road, as demonstrated here, rather than a giant douchebag.

1. Rule #23 // Shoe covers are for cold or wet. If it’s not cold or wet and you are still wearing shoe covers it’s because you’re a pussy.

1. Rule #24 // Speeds and distances shall be referred to and measured in kilometers. This includes while discussing cycling in the workplace with your non-cycling coworkers, serving to further mystify our sport in the web of their Neanderthalic cognitive capabilities. As the confused expression spreads across their unibrowed faces, casually mention your shaved legs. All of cycling’s monuments are measured in the metric system and as such the English system is forbidden.

1. Rule #25 // The bikes on top of your car should be worth more than the car. Or at least be relatively more expensive.  Basically, if you’re putting your Huffy on your Rolls, you’re in trouble, mister. Remember what Sean said.

1. Rule #26 // Make your bike photogenic. When photographing your bike, gussy her up properly for the camera. Some parameters are firm: valve stems at 6 o’clock. Cranks never at 90 or 180 degrees. Others are at your discretion, though the accepted practices are include putting the chain on the big dog, and no bidons in the cages.

1. Rule #27 // Shorts and socks should be like Goldilocks. Not too long and not too short. (Disclaimer: despite Sean Yates’ horrible choice in shorts length, he is a quintessential hard man of cycling and is deeply admired by the Velominati. Whereas Armstrong’s short and sock lengths are just plain wrong.) No socks is a no-no, as are those ankle-length ones that should only be worn by female tennis players.

1. Rule #28 // Socks can be any damn colour you like. White is old school cool. Black is cool too, but were given a bad image by a Texan whose were too long.  If you fell you must go colored, make sure they damn well match your kit. Tip: DeFeet Wool-E-Ators rule.

1. Rule #29 // No European Posterior Man-Satchels. Saddle bags have no place on a road bike, and are only acceptable on mountain bikes in extreme cases.

1. Rule #30 // No frame-mounted pumps. Either Co2 cannisters or mini-pumps should be carried in jersey pockets (See Rule 31). The only exception to this rule is to mount a Silca brand frame pump in the rear triangle of the frame, with the rear wheel skewer as the pump mount nob, as demonstrated by members of the 7-Eleven and Ariostea pro cycling teams. As such, a frame pump mounted upside-down and along the left (skewer lever side) seat stay is both old skool and euro and thus acceptable. We restate at this time that said pump may under no circumstances be a Zefal and must be made by Silca. Said Silca pump must be fitted with a Campagnolo head. It is acceptable to gaffer-tape a mini-pump to your frame when no C02 cannisters are available and your pockets are full of spare kit and energy gels. However, the rider should expect to be stopped and questioned and may be required to empty pockets to prove there is no room in them for the pump.

1. Rule #31 // Spare tubes, multi-tools and repair kits should be stored in jersey pockets. If absolutely necessary, in a converted bidon in a cage on bike. Or, use one of these.

1. Rule #32 // Humps are for camels: no hydration packs. Hydration packs are never to be seen on a road rider’s body. No argument will be entered into on this. For MTB, they are cool.

1. Rule #33 // Shave your guns. Legs are to be carefully shaved at all times. If, for some reason, your legs are to be left hairy, make sure you can dish out plenty of hurt to shaved riders, or be considered a hippie douche on your way to a Critical Mass. Whether you use a straight razor or a Bowie knife, use Baxter to keep them smooth.

1. Rule #34 // Mountain bike shoes and pedals have their place.

On a mountain bike.

1. Rule #35 // No visors on the road. Road helmets can be worn on mountain bikes, but never the other way around. If you want shade, see Rule #22.

1. Rule #36 // Eyewear shall be cycling specific. No Aviator shades, blueblockers, or clip-on covers for eye glasses.

1. Rule #37 // The arms of the eyewear shall always be placed over the helmet straps. No exceptions. This is for various reasons that may or may not matter; it’s just the way it is.

1. Rule #38 // Don’t Play Leap Frog. Train Properly: if you get passed by someone, it is nothing personal, just accept that on the day/effort/ride they were stronger than you. If you can’t deal, work harder. But don’t go playing leap frog to get in front only to be taken over again (multiple times) because you can’t keep up the pace. Especially don’t do this just because the person overtaking you is a woman. Seriously. Get over it.

1. Rule #39 // Never ride without your eyewear. You should not make a habit of riding without eyewear, although approved extenuating circumstances include fog, overheating, and lighting condition. When not worn over the eyes, they should be neatly tucked into the vents of your helmet.  If they don’t fit, buy a new helmet. In the meantime you can wear them backwards on the back of your head or carefully tuck them into your jersey pocket, making sure not to scratch them on your tools (see item 31).

1. Rule #40 // Tires are to be mounted with the label centered directly over the valve stem. Pro mechanics do it because it makes it easier to find the valve. You do this because that’s the way pro mechanics do it. This will save you precious seconds while your fat ass sits on the roadside fumbling with your CO2 after a flat. It also looks better for photo opportunities. Note: This obviously only applies to clinchers as tubulars don’t give you a choice.

1. Rule #41 // Quick-release levers are to be carefully positioned. Quick release angle on the front skewer shall be an upward angle which tightens just aft of the fork and the rear quick release shall tighten at an angle that bisects angle between the seat and chain stays. It is acceptable, however, to have the rear quick release tighten upward, just aft of the seat stay, when the construction of the frame or its dropouts will not allow the preferred positioning. For Time Trial bikes only, quick releases may be in the horizontal position facing towards the rear of the bike. This is for maximum aero effect.

1. Rule #42 // A bike race shall never be preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run. If it’s preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run, it is not called a bike race, it is called duathlon or a triathlon. Neither of which is a bike race. Also keep in mind that one should only swim in order to prevent drowning, and should only run if being chased. And even then, one should only run fast enough to prevent capture. 

1. Rule #43 // Don’t be a jackass. But if you absolutely must be a jackass, be a funny jackass. Always remember, we’re all brothers and sisters on the road.

1. Rule #44 // Position matters. In order to find the V-Locus, a rider’s handlebars on their road bike must always be lower than their saddle. The only exception to this is if you’re revolutionising the sport, in which case you must also be prepared to break the World Hour Record. The minimum allowable tolerance is 4cm; there is no maximum, but people may berate you if they feel you have them too low.

1. Rule #45 // Slam your stem. A maximum stack height of 2cm is allowed below the stem and a single 5mm spacer must always – always – be stacked above. A “slammed down” stack height is preferable; meaning that the stem is positioned directly on the top race of the headset.

1. Rule #46 // Keep your bars level. Handlebars will be mounted parallel to the ground or angled slightly upward. While they may never be pointed down at all, they may be angled up slightly; allowed handlebar tilt is to be between 180 and 175 degrees with respect to the level road. The brake levers will preferably be mounted such that the end of the brake lever is even with the bottom of the bar.  Modern bars, however, dictate that this may not always be possible, so tolerances are permitted within reason. Brake hoods should not approach anything near 45 degrees, as some riders with poor taste have been insisting on doing.

1. Rule #47 // Drink Tripels, don’t ride triples. Cycling and beer are so intertwined we may never understand the full relationship. Beer is a recovery drink, an elixir for post-ride trash talking and a just plain excellent thing to pour down the neck. We train to drink so don’t fool around. Drink quality beer from real breweries. If it is brewed with rice instead of malted barley or requires a lime, you are off the path. Know your bittering units like you know your gear length. Life is short, don’t waste it on piss beer.

1. Rule #48 // Keep your saddle level. The seating area of a saddle is to be visually level, with the base measurement made using a spirit level. Based on subtleties of saddle design and requirements of comfort, the saddle may then be pitched slightly forward or backward to reach a position that offers stability, power, and comfort. If the tilt of the saddle exceeds two degrees, you need to go get one of those saddles with springs and a thick gel pad because you are obviously a big pussy.

1. Rule #49 // Slide your saddle back. The midpoint of the saddle as measured from tip to tail shall fall well behind and may not be positioned forward of the line made by extending the seat tube through the top of the saddle. (Also see Rule #44 and Rule #48.)

1. Rule #50 // Facial hair is to be carefully regulated. No full beards, no moustaches. Goatees are permitted only if your name starts with “Marco” and ends with “Pantani”, or if your head is intentionally or unintentionally bald. One may never shave on the morning of an important race, as it saps your virility, and you need that to kick ass.

1. Rule #51 // Livestrong wristbands are cockrings for your arms. While we hate cancer, isn’t it better to just donate some money and not have to advertise the fact for the next five years? You may as well get “tryhard wanker” tattooed on your forehead. Or you may well be a bogan.

1. Rule #52 // Padding or body armor of any kind is not allowed. If you find you need it, try pointing your bike up the hill for a change.

1. Rule #53 // Keep your kit clean and new. As a courtesy to those around you, your kit should always be freshly laundered, and, under no circumstances should the crackal region of your shorts be worn out or see-through.

1. Rule #54 // No aerobars on road bikes. Aerobars or other clip-on attachments are under no circumstances to be employed on your road bike. The only exception to this is if you are competing in a mountain timetrail.

1. Rule #55 // Earn your turns. If you are riding down a mountain, you must first have ridden up the mountain. It is forbidden to employ powered transportation simply for the cheap thrill of descending. The only exception to this is if you are doing intervals on Alpe d’Huez or the Plan de Corones and you park your car up top before doing 20 repeats of the climb.

1. Rule #56 // Espresso or macchiato only. When wearing cycling kit and enjoying a pre or post ride coffee, it is only appropriate to drink espresso or macchiato. If the word soy/skim latte is heard to be used by a member wearing cycling apparel, then that person must be ceremonially beaten with Co2 canisters or mini pumps by others within the community.

1. Rule #57 // No stickers. Nobody gives a shit what causes you support, what war you’re against, what gear you buy, or what year you rode RAGBRAI.  See Rule #5 and ride your bike. Decals, on the other hand, are not only permissible, but extremely Pro.

1. Rule #58 // Support your local bike shop. Never buy bikes, parts or accessories online. Going into your local shop, asking myriad inane questions, tying up the staff’s time, then going online to buy is akin to sleeping with your best friend’s wife, then having a beer with him after. Online is evil and will be the death of the bike shop. If you do purchase parts online, be prepared to mount and maintain them yourself. If you enter a shop with parts you have bought online and expect them to fit them, be prepared to be told to see your online seller for fitting and warranty help.

1. Rule #59 // Hold your line. Ride predictably, and don’t make sudden movements. And, under no circumstances, are you to deviate from your line.

1. Rule #60 // Ditch the washer-nut and valve-stem cap. You are not, under any circumstances, to employ the use of the washer-nut and valve-stem cap that come with your inner-tubes or tubulars. They are only supplied to meet shipping regulations. They are useless when it comes to tubes and tires.

1. Rule #61 // Like your guns, saddles should be smooth and hard. Under no circumstances may your saddle have more than 3mm of padding. Special allowances will be made for stage racing when physical pain caused by subcutaneous cysts and the like (“saddle sores”) are present. Under those conditions, up to 5mm of padding will be allowed – it should be noted that this exception is only temporary until the condition has passed or been excised. A hardman would not change their saddle at all but instead cut a hole in it to relieve pressure on the delicate area. It is noted that if Rule #48 and/or Rule #5 is observed then any “padding” is superfluous.

1. Rule #62 // You shall not ride with earphones. Cycling is about getting outside and into the elements and you don’t need to be listening to Queen or Slayer in order to experience that. Immerse yourself in the rhythm and pain, not in whatever 80′s hair band you call “music”.   See Rule #5 and ride your bike.

1. Rule #63 // Point in the direction you’re turning. Signal a left turn by pointing your left arm to the left. To signal a right turn, simply point with your right arm to the right. This one is, presumably, mostly for Americans: that right-turn signal that Americans are taught to make with your left arm elbow-out and your forearm pointing upwards was developed for motor-vehicles prior to the invention of the electric turn signal since it was rather difficult to reach from the driver-side all the way out the passenger-side window to signal a right turn. On a bicycle, however, we don’t have this limitation and it is actually quite easy to point your right arm in the direction you are turning. The American right-turn signal just makes you look like you’re waving “hello” to traffic.

1. Rule #64 // Cornering confidence increases with time and experience. This pattern continues until it falls sharply and suddenly.

1. Rule #65 // Maintain and respect your machine. Bicycles must adhere to the Principle of Silence and as such must be meticulously maintained. It must be cherished, and when leaning it against a wall, must be leaned carefully such that only the bars, saddle, or tires come in contact with the wall or post.  This is true even when dismounting prior to collapsing after the World Championship Time Trial. No squeaks, creaks, or chain noise allowed. Only the soothing hum of your tires upon the tarmac and the rhythm of your breathing may be audible when riding. When riding the Pave, the sound of chain slap is acceptable. The Principle of Silence can be extended to say that if you are suffering such that your breathing begins to adversely effect the enjoyment of the other riders in the bunch, you are to summarily sit up and allow yourself to be dropped.

1. Rule #66 // No mirrors. Mirrors are allowed on your (aptly named) Surly Big Dummy or your Surly Long Haul Trucker. Not on your road steed. Not on your Mountain bike. Not on your helmet. If someone familiar with The Rules has sold you such an abomination, return the mirror and demand a refund, plus interest and damages.

1. Rule #67 // Do your time in the wind. Nobody likes a wheel sucker. You might think you’re playing a smart tactical game by letting everyone else do the work while you sit on, but races (even Town Sign Sprints) are won through cooperation and spending time on the rivet, flogging yourself and taking risks. Riding wheels and jumping past at the end is one thing and one thing only: poor sportsmanship.

1. Rule #68 // Rides are to be measured by quality, not quantity. Rides are to be measured by the quality of their distance and never by distance alone. For climbing rides, distances should be referred to by the amount of vertical covered; flat and rolling rides should be referred to by their distance and average speed. For example, declaring “We rode 4km” would assert that 4000m were climbed during the ride, with the distance being irrelevant. Conversely, a flat ride of 150km at 23kmh is not something that should be discussed in an open forum and Rule #5 must be reviewed at once.

1. Rule #69 // Cycling shoes and bicycles are made for riding. Any walking conducted while wearing cycling shoes must be strictly limited. When taking a slash or filling bidons during a 200km ride (at 38kmh, see Rule #68) one is to carefully stow one’s bicycle at the nearest point navigable by bike and walk the remaining distance. It is strictly prohibited that under any circumstances a cyclist should walk up a steep incline, with the obvious exception being when said incline is blocked by riders who crashed because you are on the Koppenberg. For clarification, see Rule #5.

1. Rule #70 // The purpose of competing is to win. End of. Any reference to not achieving this should be referred immediately to Rule #5.

1. Rule #71 // Train Properly. Know how to train properly and stick to your training plan. Ignore other cyclists with whom you are not intentionally riding. The time for being competitive is not during your training rides, but during competition.

1. Rule #72 // Legs speak louder than words. Unless you routinely demonstrate your riding superiority and the smoothness of your Stroke, refrain from discussing your power meter, heartrate, or any other riding data.  Also see Rule 74.

1. Rule #73 // Gear and brake cables should be cut to optimum length. Cables should create a perfect arc around the headtube and, whenever possible, cross under the downtube. Right shifter cable should go to the left cable stop and vice versa.

1. Rule #74 // V Meters or small computers only. Forgo the data and ride on feel; little compares to the pleasure of riding as hard as your mind will allow. If you are not a Pro or aspire to be one, then you don’t need a SRM or PowerTap. To paraphrase BSNYC, an amateur cyclist using a power meter is like hiring an accountant to tell you how poor you are. As for Garmins, how often do you get lost on a ride?  They are bulky, ugly and superflous. Cycle computers should be simple, small and mounted on the stem. And preferably wireless.

1. Rule #75 // Race numbers are for races. Remove it from your frame before the next training ride because no matter how cool you think it looks, it does not look cool. Unless you are in a race. In which case it looks cool.

1. Rule #76 // Helmets are to be hung from your stem. When not worn, helmets are to be clipped to the stem and draped over your handlebars thusly.

1. Rule #77 // Respect the earth; don’t litter. Cycling is not an excuse to litter. Do not throw your empty gel packets, energy bar wrappers or punctured tubes on the road or in the bush. Stuff em in your jersey pockets, and repair that tube when you get home.

1. Rule #78 // Remove unnecessary gear. When racing in a criterium of 60 minutes or less the second (unused) water bottle cage must be removed in order to preserve the aesthetic of the racing machine.

1. Rule #79 // Fight for your town lines. Town lines must be contested or at least faked if you’re not in to it or too shagged to do anything but pedal the bike.

1. Rule #80 // Always be Casually Deliberate. Waiting for others pre-ride or at the start line pre-race, you must be tranquilo, resting on your top tube thusly. This may be extended to any time one is aboard the bike, but not riding it, such as at stop lights.

1. Rule #81 // Don’t talk it up. Crashes may only be discussed and recounted when the rider or spectator has ended up requiring hospitalization. Otherwise revert to Rule #5.

1. Rule #82 // Close the gap. Whilst riding in cold and/or Rule 9 conditions replete with arm warmers, under no circumstances is there to be any exposed skin between the hems of your kit and the hems of your arm. If this occurs, you either need to wear a kit that fits you properly or increase the size of your guns. Arm warmers may, however, be shoved to the wrists in Five and Dime scenarios, particularly those involving Rule #9 conditions. The No-Gap Principle also applies to knee and leg warmers with the variation that these are under no circumstances to be scrunched down around the ankles; Merckx have mercy on whomever is caught in such a sorry, sorry state. It is important to note that while one can wear arm warmers without wearing knee or leg warmers, one cannot wear knee or leg warmers without wearing arm warmers (or a long sleeve jersey). It is completely inappropriate to have uncovered arms, while covering the knees, with the exception of brief periods of time when the arm warmers may be shoved to the wrists while going uphill in a Five and Dime situation.  If the weather changes and one must remove a layer, the knee/leg coverings must go before the arm coverings.  If that means that said rider must take off his knee or leg warmers while racing, then this is a skill he must be accomplished in.  The single exception would be before an event in which someone plans on wearing neither arm or leg warmers while racing, but would like to keep the legs warm before the event starts; though wearing a long sleeve jersey over the racing kit at this time is also advised.  One must not forget to remove said leg warmers. 

1. Rule #83 // Be self-sufficient. Unless you are followed by a team car, you will repair your own punctures. You will do so expediently, employing your own skills, using your own equipment, and without complaining that your expensive tyres are too tight for your puny thumbs to fit over your expensive rim. The fate of a rider who has failed to equip himself pursuant to Rule #31, or who knows not how to use said equipment, shall be determined at the discretion of any accompanying or approaching rider in accordance with Rule #84.

1. Rule #84 // Follow the Code. Consistently with The Code Of The Domestique, the announcement of a flat tyre in a training ride entitles – but does not oblige – all riders then present in the bunch to cease riding without fear of being labelled Pussies. All stopped riders are thereupon entitled – but not obliged – to lend assistance, instruction and/or stringent criticism of the tyre mender’s technique. The duration of a Rule #84 stop is entirely discretionary, but is generally inversely proportional to the duration of the remaining time available for post-ride espresso.

1. Rule #85 // Descend like a Pro. All descents shall be undertaken at speeds commonly regarded as “ludicrous” or “insane” by those less talented. In addition all corners will be traversed in an outside-inside-outside trajectory, with the outer leg extended and the inner leg canted appropriately (but not too far as to replicate a motorcycle racer, for you are not one), to assist in balance and creation of an appealing aesthetic. Brakes are generally not to be employed, but if absolutely necessary, only just prior to the corner. Also see Rule #64.

1. Rule #86 // Don’t half-wheel. Never half-wheel your riding partners; it’s terrible form – it is always the other guy who sets the pace. Unless, of course, you are on the rivet, in which case it’s an excellent intimidation technique.

1. Rule #87 // The Ride Starts on Time. No exceptions. The upside of always leaving on time is considerable. Others will be late exactly once. You signal that the sanctity of this ride, like all rides, is not something with which you should muck. You demonstrate, not with words but with actions, your commitment. As a bonus, you make more time for post-ride espresso. “On Time”, of course, is taken to mean at V past the hour or half hour.

1. Rule #88 // Don’t surge. When rolling onto the front to take your turn in the wind, see Rule #67, do not suddenly lift the pace unless trying to establish a break. The key to maintaining a high average speed is to work with your companions and allow no gaps to form in the line. It is permissible to lift the pace gradually and if this results in people being dropped then they have been ridden off your wheel and are of no use to the bunch anyway. If you are behind someone who jumps on the pedals when they hit the front do not reprimand the offender with cries of ‘Don’t Surge’ unless the offender is a Frenchman named Serge.

1. Rule #89 // Pronounce it Correctly. All races shall be referred to by the name given in its country of origin, and care shall be taken to pronounce the name as well as possible. For Belgian Races, it is preferable to choose the name given in its region of origin, though it is at the speaker’s discretion to use either the Flemish or Wallonian pronunciation. This principle shall also be extended to apply to riders’ names, bicycle and component marquees, and cycling accoutrements.

1. Rule #90 // Never Get Out of the Big Ring. If it gets steeper, just push harder on the pedals. When pressed on the matter, the Apostle Johan Museeuw simply replied, “Yes, why would you slow down?” It is, of course, acceptable to momentarily shift into the inner ring when scaling the 20% ramps of the Kapelmuur.

1. Rule #91 // No Food On Training Rides Under Four Hours. This one also comes from the Apostle, Johan Museeuw, who said to @frank: “Yes, no food on rides under four hours. You need to lose some weight.” Or, as Fignon put it, sometimes, when we train, we simply have to go out to meet the Man with the Hammer. The exception is, of course, hard rides over two hours and races. Also, if you’re planning on being out for more than four hours, start eating before you get hungry. This aslo applies to energy drink supplements.