Obey The Rules

Had to post this article as it's had me in stitches. Lifted from www.velominati.com this subtle article of cycling etiquette is funny as it's mostly true! Great site, highly amusing. Their lexicon is good value too

To all newbies... pay attention and read on...

1. Rule #1 // Obey The Rules.

1. Rule #2 // Lead by example. It is forbidden for someone familiar with The Rules to knowingly assist another person to breach them.

1. Rule #3 // Guide the uninitiated. No matter how good you think your reason is to knowingly breach The Rules, it is never good enough.

1. Rule #4 // It’s all about the bike. It is, absolutely, without question, unequivocally, about the bike. Anyone who says otherwise is obviously a twatwaffle.

1. Rule #5 // Harden The Fuck Up.

1. Rule #6 // Free your mind and your legs will follow. Your mind is your worst enemy. Do all your thinking before you start riding your bike.  Once the pedals start to turn, wrap yourself in the sensations of the ride – the smell of the air, the sound of the tires, the feeling of flight as the bicycle rolls over the road.

1. Rule #7 // Tan lines should be cultivated and kept razor sharp. Under no circumstances should one be rolling up their sleeves or shorts in an effort to somehow diminish one’s tan lines. Sleeveless jerseys are under no circumstances to be employed.

1. Rule #8 // Saddles, bars, and tires shall be carefully matched. Valid options are:

• Match the saddle to the bars and the tires to black; or
• Match the bars to the color of the frame at the top of the head tube and the saddle to the color of the frame at the top of the seat tube and the tires to the color where they come closest to the frame; or
• Match the saddle and the bars to the frame decals; or
• Black, black, black

1. Rule #9 // If you are out riding in bad weather, it means you are a badass. Period. Fair-weather riding is a luxury reserved for Sunday afternoons and wide boulevards. Those who ride in foul weather – be it cold, wet, or inordinately hot – are members of a special club of riders who, on the morning of a big ride, pull back the curtain to check the weather and, upon seeing rain falling from the skies, allow a wry smile to spread across their face. This is a rider who loves the work.

1. Rule #10 // It never gets easier, you just go faster. As this famous quote by Greg LeMan tells us, training, climbing, and racing is hard. It stays hard. To put it another way, per Greg Henderson: “Training is like fighting with a gorilla. You don’t stop when you’re tired. You stop when the gorilla is tired.” Sur la Plaque, fucktards.

1. Rule #11 // Family does not come first. The bike does. Sean Kelly, being interviewed after the ’84 Amstel Gold Race, spots his wife leaning against his Citroën AX. He interrupts the interview to tell her to get off the paintwork, to which she shrugs, “In your life the car comes first, then the bike, then me.” Instinctively, he snaps back, “You got the order wrong. The bike comes first.”

1. Rule #12 // The correct number of bikes to own is n+1. While the minimum number of bikes one should own is three, the correct number is n+1, where n is the number of bikes currently owned. This equation may also be re-written as s-1, where s is the number of bikes owned that would result in separation from your partner.

1. Rule #13 // If you draw race number 13, turn it upside down. Paradoxically, the same mind that holds such control over the body is also woefully fragile and prone to superstitious thought. It fills easily with doubt and is distracted by ancillary details. This is why the tape must always be perfect, the machine silent, the kit spotless. And, if you draw the unlucky Number 13, turn it upside down to counter-act its negative energy.

1. Rule #14 // Shorts should be black. Team-issue shorts should be black, with the possible exception of side-panels, which may match the rest of the team kit.

1. Rule #15 // Black shorts should also be worn with leader’s jerseys. Black shorts, or at least standard team-kit shorts, must be worn with Championship jerseys and race leadership jerseys. Don’t over-match your kit, or accept that you will look like a douche.

1. Rule #16 // Respect the jersey. Championship and race leader jerseys must only be worn if you’ve won the championship or led the race.

1. Rule #17 // Team kit is for members of the team. Wearing Pro team kit is also questionable if you’re not paid to wear it.  If you must fly the colors of Pro teams, all garments should match perfectly, i.e no Mapei jersey with Kelme shorts and Telekom socks.

1. Rule #18 // No road jerseys or Lycra bibs when riding off-road. Cyclocross is a middle-ground. Best to wear cross-specific kit: skin suits only. No exceptions.

1. Rule #19 // No mountain jerseys or baggies when riding on the road. Cyclocross is a middle-ground. Best to wear cross-specific kit: skin suits only. No exceptions.

1. Rule #20 // There are only three remedies for pain. These are:

• If your quads start to burn, shift forward to use your hamstrings and calves, or
• If your calves or hamstrings start to burn, shift back to use your quads, or
• If you feel wimpy and weak, meditate on Rule 5 and train more!

1. Rule #21 // Cold weather gear is for cold weather. Knickers, vests, arm warmers, shoe covers, and caps beneath your helmet can all make you look like a hardman, when the weather warrants their use.

1. Rule #22 // Cycling caps are for cycling. Cycling caps can be worn under helmets, but never when not riding, no matter how hip you think you look. This will render one a douche, and should result in public berating or beating. The only time it is acceptable to wear a cycling cap is while directly engaged in cycling activities and while clad in cycling kit. This includes activities taking place prior to and immediately after the ride such as machine tuning and tire pumping.  Also included are cafe appearances for pre-ride espressi and post-ride pub appearances for body-refueling ales (provided said pub has sunny, outdoor patio – do not stray inside a pub wearing kit or risk being ceremoniously beaten by leather-clad biker chicks).   Under these conditions, having your cap skull-side tipped jauntily at a rakish angle is, one might say, de rigueur. All good things must be taken in measure, however, and as such it is critical that we let sanity and good taste prevail: as long as the first sip of the relevant caffeine or hop-based beverage is taken whilst beads of sweat, snow, or rain are still evident on one’s brow then it is legitimate for the cap to be worn. However, once all that remains in the cranial furrows is salt, it is then time to shower, throw on some suitable après-ride attire (a woollen Molteni Arcore training top circa ’73 comes to mind) and return to the bar, folded copy of pastel-coloured news publication in hand, ready for formal fluid replacement. It is also helpful if you are a Giant of the Road, as demonstrated here, rather than a giant douchebag.

1. Rule #23 // Shoe covers are for cold or wet. If it’s not cold or wet and you are still wearing shoe covers it’s because you’re a pussy.

1. Rule #24 // Speeds and distances shall be referred to and measured in kilometers. This includes while discussing cycling in the workplace with your non-cycling coworkers, serving to further mystify our sport in the web of their Neanderthalic cognitive capabilities. As the confused expression spreads across their unibrowed faces, casually mention your shaved legs. All of cycling’s monuments are measured in the metric system and as such the English system is forbidden.

1. Rule #25 // The bikes on top of your car should be worth more than the car. Or at least be relatively more expensive.  Basically, if you’re putting your Huffy on your Rolls, you’re in trouble, mister. Remember what Sean said.

1. Rule #26 // Make your bike photogenic. When photographing your bike, gussy her up properly for the camera. Some parameters are firm: valve stems at 6 o’clock. Cranks never at 90 or 180 degrees. Others are at your discretion, though the accepted practices are include putting the chain on the big dog, and no bidons in the cages.

1. Rule #27 // Shorts and socks should be like Goldilocks. Not too long and not too short. (Disclaimer: despite Sean Yates’ horrible choice in shorts length, he is a quintessential hard man of cycling and is deeply admired by the Velominati. Whereas Armstrong’s short and sock lengths are just plain wrong.) No socks is a no-no, as are those ankle-length ones that should only be worn by female tennis players.

1. Rule #28 // Socks can be any damn colour you like. White is old school cool. Black is cool too, but were given a bad image by a Texan whose were too long.  If you fell you must go colored, make sure they damn well match your kit. Tip: DeFeet Wool-E-Ators rule.

1. Rule #29 // No European Posterior Man-Satchels. Saddle bags have no place on a road bike, and are only acceptable on mountain bikes in extreme cases.

1. Rule #30 // No frame-mounted pumps. Either Co2 cannisters or mini-pumps should be carried in jersey pockets (See Rule 31). The only exception to this rule is to mount a Silca brand frame pump in the rear triangle of the frame, with the rear wheel skewer as the pump mount nob, as demonstrated by members of the 7-Eleven and Ariostea pro cycling teams. As such, a frame pump mounted upside-down and along the left (skewer lever side) seat stay is both old skool and euro and thus acceptable. We restate at this time that said pump may under no circumstances be a Zefal and must be made by Silca. Said Silca pump must be fitted with a Campagnolo head. It is acceptable to gaffer-tape a mini-pump to your frame when no C02 cannisters are available and your pockets are full of spare kit and energy gels. However, the rider should expect to be stopped and questioned and may be required to empty pockets to prove there is no room in them for the pump.

1. Rule #31 // Spare tubes, multi-tools and repair kits should be stored in jersey pockets. If absolutely necessary, in a converted bidon in a cage on bike. Or, use one of these.

1. Rule #32 // Humps are for camels: no hydration packs. Hydration packs are never to be seen on a road rider’s body. No argument will be entered into on this. For MTB, they are cool.

1. Rule #33 // Shave your guns. Legs are to be carefully shaved at all times. If, for some reason, your legs are to be left hairy, make sure you can dish out plenty of hurt to shaved riders, or be considered a hippie douche on your way to a Critical Mass. Whether you use a straight razor or a Bowie knife, use Baxter to keep them smooth.

1. Rule #34 // Mountain bike shoes and pedals have their place.

On a mountain bike.

1. Rule #35 // No visors on the road. Road helmets can be worn on mountain bikes, but never the other way around. If you want shade, see Rule #22.

1. Rule #36 // Eyewear shall be cycling specific. No Aviator shades, blueblockers, or clip-on covers for eye glasses.

1. Rule #37 // The arms of the eyewear shall always be placed over the helmet straps. No exceptions. This is for various reasons that may or may not matter; it’s just the way it is.

1. Rule #38 // Don’t Play Leap Frog. Train Properly: if you get passed by someone, it is nothing personal, just accept that on the day/effort/ride they were stronger than you. If you can’t deal, work harder. But don’t go playing leap frog to get in front only to be taken over again (multiple times) because you can’t keep up the pace. Especially don’t do this just because the person overtaking you is a woman. Seriously. Get over it.

1. Rule #39 // Never ride without your eyewear. You should not make a habit of riding without eyewear, although approved extenuating circumstances include fog, overheating, and lighting condition. When not worn over the eyes, they should be neatly tucked into the vents of your helmet.  If they don’t fit, buy a new helmet. In the meantime you can wear them backwards on the back of your head or carefully tuck them into your jersey pocket, making sure not to scratch them on your tools (see item 31).

1. Rule #40 // Tires are to be mounted with the label centered directly over the valve stem. Pro mechanics do it because it makes it easier to find the valve. You do this because that’s the way pro mechanics do it. This will save you precious seconds while your fat ass sits on the roadside fumbling with your CO2 after a flat. It also looks better for photo opportunities. Note: This obviously only applies to clinchers as tubulars don’t give you a choice.

1. Rule #41 // Quick-release levers are to be carefully positioned. Quick release angle on the front skewer shall be an upward angle which tightens just aft of the fork and the rear quick release shall tighten at an angle that bisects angle between the seat and chain stays. It is acceptable, however, to have the rear quick release tighten upward, just aft of the seat stay, when the construction of the frame or its dropouts will not allow the preferred positioning. For Time Trial bikes only, quick releases may be in the horizontal position facing towards the rear of the bike. This is for maximum aero effect.

1. Rule #42 // A bike race shall never be preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run. If it’s preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run, it is not called a bike race, it is called duathlon or a triathlon. Neither of which is a bike race. Also keep in mind that one should only swim in order to prevent drowning, and should only run if being chased. And even then, one should only run fast enough to prevent capture. 

1. Rule #43 // Don’t be a jackass. But if you absolutely must be a jackass, be a funny jackass. Always remember, we’re all brothers and sisters on the road.

1. Rule #44 // Position matters. In order to find the V-Locus, a rider’s handlebars on their road bike must always be lower than their saddle. The only exception to this is if you’re revolutionising the sport, in which case you must also be prepared to break the World Hour Record. The minimum allowable tolerance is 4cm; there is no maximum, but people may berate you if they feel you have them too low.

1. Rule #45 // Slam your stem. A maximum stack height of 2cm is allowed below the stem and a single 5mm spacer must always – always – be stacked above. A “slammed down” stack height is preferable; meaning that the stem is positioned directly on the top race of the headset.

1. Rule #46 // Keep your bars level. Handlebars will be mounted parallel to the ground or angled slightly upward. While they may never be pointed down at all, they may be angled up slightly; allowed handlebar tilt is to be between 180 and 175 degrees with respect to the level road. The brake levers will preferably be mounted such that the end of the brake lever is even with the bottom of the bar.  Modern bars, however, dictate that this may not always be possible, so tolerances are permitted within reason. Brake hoods should not approach anything near 45 degrees, as some riders with poor taste have been insisting on doing.

1. Rule #47 // Drink Tripels, don’t ride triples. Cycling and beer are so intertwined we may never understand the full relationship. Beer is a recovery drink, an elixir for post-ride trash talking and a just plain excellent thing to pour down the neck. We train to drink so don’t fool around. Drink quality beer from real breweries. If it is brewed with rice instead of malted barley or requires a lime, you are off the path. Know your bittering units like you know your gear length. Life is short, don’t waste it on piss beer.

1. Rule #48 // Keep your saddle level. The seating area of a saddle is to be visually level, with the base measurement made using a spirit level. Based on subtleties of saddle design and requirements of comfort, the saddle may then be pitched slightly forward or backward to reach a position that offers stability, power, and comfort. If the tilt of the saddle exceeds two degrees, you need to go get one of those saddles with springs and a thick gel pad because you are obviously a big pussy.

1. Rule #49 // Slide your saddle back. The midpoint of the saddle as measured from tip to tail shall fall well behind and may not be positioned forward of the line made by extending the seat tube through the top of the saddle. (Also see Rule #44 and Rule #48.)

1. Rule #50 // Facial hair is to be carefully regulated. No full beards, no moustaches. Goatees are permitted only if your name starts with “Marco” and ends with “Pantani”, or if your head is intentionally or unintentionally bald. One may never shave on the morning of an important race, as it saps your virility, and you need that to kick ass.

1. Rule #51 // Livestrong wristbands are cockrings for your arms. While we hate cancer, isn’t it better to just donate some money and not have to advertise the fact for the next five years? You may as well get “tryhard wanker” tattooed on your forehead. Or you may well be a bogan.

1. Rule #52 // Padding or body armor of any kind is not allowed. If you find you need it, try pointing your bike up the hill for a change.

1. Rule #53 // Keep your kit clean and new. As a courtesy to those around you, your kit should always be freshly laundered, and, under no circumstances should the crackal region of your shorts be worn out or see-through.

1. Rule #54 // No aerobars on road bikes. Aerobars or other clip-on attachments are under no circumstances to be employed on your road bike. The only exception to this is if you are competing in a mountain timetrail.

1. Rule #55 // Earn your turns. If you are riding down a mountain, you must first have ridden up the mountain. It is forbidden to employ powered transportation simply for the cheap thrill of descending. The only exception to this is if you are doing intervals on Alpe d’Huez or the Plan de Corones and you park your car up top before doing 20 repeats of the climb.

1. Rule #56 // Espresso or macchiato only. When wearing cycling kit and enjoying a pre or post ride coffee, it is only appropriate to drink espresso or macchiato. If the word soy/skim latte is heard to be used by a member wearing cycling apparel, then that person must be ceremonially beaten with Co2 canisters or mini pumps by others within the community.

1. Rule #57 // No stickers. Nobody gives a shit what causes you support, what war you’re against, what gear you buy, or what year you rode RAGBRAI.  See Rule #5 and ride your bike. Decals, on the other hand, are not only permissible, but extremely Pro.

1. Rule #58 // Support your local bike shop. Never buy bikes, parts or accessories online. Going into your local shop, asking myriad inane questions, tying up the staff’s time, then going online to buy is akin to sleeping with your best friend’s wife, then having a beer with him after. Online is evil and will be the death of the bike shop. If you do purchase parts online, be prepared to mount and maintain them yourself. If you enter a shop with parts you have bought online and expect them to fit them, be prepared to be told to see your online seller for fitting and warranty help.

1. Rule #59 // Hold your line. Ride predictably, and don’t make sudden movements. And, under no circumstances, are you to deviate from your line.

1. Rule #60 // Ditch the washer-nut and valve-stem cap. You are not, under any circumstances, to employ the use of the washer-nut and valve-stem cap that come with your inner-tubes or tubulars. They are only supplied to meet shipping regulations. They are useless when it comes to tubes and tires.

1. Rule #61 // Like your guns, saddles should be smooth and hard. Under no circumstances may your saddle have more than 3mm of padding. Special allowances will be made for stage racing when physical pain caused by subcutaneous cysts and the like (“saddle sores”) are present. Under those conditions, up to 5mm of padding will be allowed – it should be noted that this exception is only temporary until the condition has passed or been excised. A hardman would not change their saddle at all but instead cut a hole in it to relieve pressure on the delicate area. It is noted that if Rule #48 and/or Rule #5 is observed then any “padding” is superfluous.

1. Rule #62 // You shall not ride with earphones. Cycling is about getting outside and into the elements and you don’t need to be listening to Queen or Slayer in order to experience that. Immerse yourself in the rhythm and pain, not in whatever 80′s hair band you call “music”.   See Rule #5 and ride your bike.

1. Rule #63 // Point in the direction you’re turning. Signal a left turn by pointing your left arm to the left. To signal a right turn, simply point with your right arm to the right. This one is, presumably, mostly for Americans: that right-turn signal that Americans are taught to make with your left arm elbow-out and your forearm pointing upwards was developed for motor-vehicles prior to the invention of the electric turn signal since it was rather difficult to reach from the driver-side all the way out the passenger-side window to signal a right turn. On a bicycle, however, we don’t have this limitation and it is actually quite easy to point your right arm in the direction you are turning. The American right-turn signal just makes you look like you’re waving “hello” to traffic.

1. Rule #64 // Cornering confidence increases with time and experience. This pattern continues until it falls sharply and suddenly.

1. Rule #65 // Maintain and respect your machine. Bicycles must adhere to the Principle of Silence and as such must be meticulously maintained. It must be cherished, and when leaning it against a wall, must be leaned carefully such that only the bars, saddle, or tires come in contact with the wall or post.  This is true even when dismounting prior to collapsing after the World Championship Time Trial. No squeaks, creaks, or chain noise allowed. Only the soothing hum of your tires upon the tarmac and the rhythm of your breathing may be audible when riding. When riding the Pave, the sound of chain slap is acceptable. The Principle of Silence can be extended to say that if you are suffering such that your breathing begins to adversely effect the enjoyment of the other riders in the bunch, you are to summarily sit up and allow yourself to be dropped.

1. Rule #66 // No mirrors. Mirrors are allowed on your (aptly named) Surly Big Dummy or your Surly Long Haul Trucker. Not on your road steed. Not on your Mountain bike. Not on your helmet. If someone familiar with The Rules has sold you such an abomination, return the mirror and demand a refund, plus interest and damages.

1. Rule #67 // Do your time in the wind. Nobody likes a wheel sucker. You might think you’re playing a smart tactical game by letting everyone else do the work while you sit on, but races (even Town Sign Sprints) are won through cooperation and spending time on the rivet, flogging yourself and taking risks. Riding wheels and jumping past at the end is one thing and one thing only: poor sportsmanship.

1. Rule #68 // Rides are to be measured by quality, not quantity. Rides are to be measured by the quality of their distance and never by distance alone. For climbing rides, distances should be referred to by the amount of vertical covered; flat and rolling rides should be referred to by their distance and average speed. For example, declaring “We rode 4km” would assert that 4000m were climbed during the ride, with the distance being irrelevant. Conversely, a flat ride of 150km at 23kmh is not something that should be discussed in an open forum and Rule #5 must be reviewed at once.

1. Rule #69 // Cycling shoes and bicycles are made for riding. Any walking conducted while wearing cycling shoes must be strictly limited. When taking a slash or filling bidons during a 200km ride (at 38kmh, see Rule #68) one is to carefully stow one’s bicycle at the nearest point navigable by bike and walk the remaining distance. It is strictly prohibited that under any circumstances a cyclist should walk up a steep incline, with the obvious exception being when said incline is blocked by riders who crashed because you are on the Koppenberg. For clarification, see Rule #5.

1. Rule #70 // The purpose of competing is to win. End of. Any reference to not achieving this should be referred immediately to Rule #5.

1. Rule #71 // Train Properly. Know how to train properly and stick to your training plan. Ignore other cyclists with whom you are not intentionally riding. The time for being competitive is not during your training rides, but during competition.

1. Rule #72 // Legs speak louder than words. Unless you routinely demonstrate your riding superiority and the smoothness of your Stroke, refrain from discussing your power meter, heartrate, or any other riding data.  Also see Rule 74.

1. Rule #73 // Gear and brake cables should be cut to optimum length. Cables should create a perfect arc around the headtube and, whenever possible, cross under the downtube. Right shifter cable should go to the left cable stop and vice versa.

1. Rule #74 // V Meters or small computers only. Forgo the data and ride on feel; little compares to the pleasure of riding as hard as your mind will allow. If you are not a Pro or aspire to be one, then you don’t need a SRM or PowerTap. To paraphrase BSNYC, an amateur cyclist using a power meter is like hiring an accountant to tell you how poor you are. As for Garmins, how often do you get lost on a ride?  They are bulky, ugly and superflous. Cycle computers should be simple, small and mounted on the stem. And preferably wireless.

1. Rule #75 // Race numbers are for races. Remove it from your frame before the next training ride because no matter how cool you think it looks, it does not look cool. Unless you are in a race. In which case it looks cool.

1. Rule #76 // Helmets are to be hung from your stem. When not worn, helmets are to be clipped to the stem and draped over your handlebars thusly.

1. Rule #77 // Respect the earth; don’t litter. Cycling is not an excuse to litter. Do not throw your empty gel packets, energy bar wrappers or punctured tubes on the road or in the bush. Stuff em in your jersey pockets, and repair that tube when you get home.

1. Rule #78 // Remove unnecessary gear. When racing in a criterium of 60 minutes or less the second (unused) water bottle cage must be removed in order to preserve the aesthetic of the racing machine.

1. Rule #79 // Fight for your town lines. Town lines must be contested or at least faked if you’re not in to it or too shagged to do anything but pedal the bike.

1. Rule #80 // Always be Casually Deliberate. Waiting for others pre-ride or at the start line pre-race, you must be tranquilo, resting on your top tube thusly. This may be extended to any time one is aboard the bike, but not riding it, such as at stop lights.

1. Rule #81 // Don’t talk it up. Crashes may only be discussed and recounted when the rider or spectator has ended up requiring hospitalization. Otherwise revert to Rule #5.

1. Rule #82 // Close the gap. Whilst riding in cold and/or Rule 9 conditions replete with arm warmers, under no circumstances is there to be any exposed skin between the hems of your kit and the hems of your arm. If this occurs, you either need to wear a kit that fits you properly or increase the size of your guns. Arm warmers may, however, be shoved to the wrists in Five and Dime scenarios, particularly those involving Rule #9 conditions. The No-Gap Principle also applies to knee and leg warmers with the variation that these are under no circumstances to be scrunched down around the ankles; Merckx have mercy on whomever is caught in such a sorry, sorry state. It is important to note that while one can wear arm warmers without wearing knee or leg warmers, one cannot wear knee or leg warmers without wearing arm warmers (or a long sleeve jersey). It is completely inappropriate to have uncovered arms, while covering the knees, with the exception of brief periods of time when the arm warmers may be shoved to the wrists while going uphill in a Five and Dime situation.  If the weather changes and one must remove a layer, the knee/leg coverings must go before the arm coverings.  If that means that said rider must take off his knee or leg warmers while racing, then this is a skill he must be accomplished in.  The single exception would be before an event in which someone plans on wearing neither arm or leg warmers while racing, but would like to keep the legs warm before the event starts; though wearing a long sleeve jersey over the racing kit at this time is also advised.  One must not forget to remove said leg warmers. 

1. Rule #83 // Be self-sufficient. Unless you are followed by a team car, you will repair your own punctures. You will do so expediently, employing your own skills, using your own equipment, and without complaining that your expensive tyres are too tight for your puny thumbs to fit over your expensive rim. The fate of a rider who has failed to equip himself pursuant to Rule #31, or who knows not how to use said equipment, shall be determined at the discretion of any accompanying or approaching rider in accordance with Rule #84.

1. Rule #84 // Follow the Code. Consistently with The Code Of The Domestique, the announcement of a flat tyre in a training ride entitles – but does not oblige – all riders then present in the bunch to cease riding without fear of being labelled Pussies. All stopped riders are thereupon entitled – but not obliged – to lend assistance, instruction and/or stringent criticism of the tyre mender’s technique. The duration of a Rule #84 stop is entirely discretionary, but is generally inversely proportional to the duration of the remaining time available for post-ride espresso.

1. Rule #85 // Descend like a Pro. All descents shall be undertaken at speeds commonly regarded as “ludicrous” or “insane” by those less talented. In addition all corners will be traversed in an outside-inside-outside trajectory, with the outer leg extended and the inner leg canted appropriately (but not too far as to replicate a motorcycle racer, for you are not one), to assist in balance and creation of an appealing aesthetic. Brakes are generally not to be employed, but if absolutely necessary, only just prior to the corner. Also see Rule #64.

1. Rule #86 // Don’t half-wheel. Never half-wheel your riding partners; it’s terrible form – it is always the other guy who sets the pace. Unless, of course, you are on the rivet, in which case it’s an excellent intimidation technique.

1. Rule #87 // The Ride Starts on Time. No exceptions. The upside of always leaving on time is considerable. Others will be late exactly once. You signal that the sanctity of this ride, like all rides, is not something with which you should muck. You demonstrate, not with words but with actions, your commitment. As a bonus, you make more time for post-ride espresso. “On Time”, of course, is taken to mean at V past the hour or half hour.

1. Rule #88 // Don’t surge. When rolling onto the front to take your turn in the wind, see Rule #67, do not suddenly lift the pace unless trying to establish a break. The key to maintaining a high average speed is to work with your companions and allow no gaps to form in the line. It is permissible to lift the pace gradually and if this results in people being dropped then they have been ridden off your wheel and are of no use to the bunch anyway. If you are behind someone who jumps on the pedals when they hit the front do not reprimand the offender with cries of ‘Don’t Surge’ unless the offender is a Frenchman named Serge.

1. Rule #89 // Pronounce it Correctly. All races shall be referred to by the name given in its country of origin, and care shall be taken to pronounce the name as well as possible. For Belgian Races, it is preferable to choose the name given in its region of origin, though it is at the speaker’s discretion to use either the Flemish or Wallonian pronunciation. This principle shall also be extended to apply to riders’ names, bicycle and component marquees, and cycling accoutrements.

1. Rule #90 // Never Get Out of the Big Ring. If it gets steeper, just push harder on the pedals. When pressed on the matter, the Apostle Johan Museeuw simply replied, “Yes, why would you slow down?” It is, of course, acceptable to momentarily shift into the inner ring when scaling the 20% ramps of the Kapelmuur.

1. Rule #91 // No Food On Training Rides Under Four Hours. This one also comes from the Apostle, Johan Museeuw, who said to @frank: “Yes, no food on rides under four hours. You need to lose some weight.” Or, as Fignon put it, sometimes, when we train, we simply have to go out to meet the Man with the Hammer. The exception is, of course, hard rides over two hours and races. Also, if you’re planning on being out for more than four hours, start eating before you get hungry. This aslo applies to energy drink supplements.

The Sepsis Alliance and World Sepsis Day

I follow a number of website who deal with Sepsis. I've mentioned all this before. The guys and gals at Sepsis Alliance have done another piece on yours truly and the Olympic Relay. You can read it here.

Also, be aware of World Sepsis Day coming up in September. Now, this website is pretty good too. I've found information here I did not know about, so I'm gonna share it with you... some of this will sound familiar...

After Sepsis

After a patient has survived the acute phase of sepsis, a long list of serious symptoms often remain.
The extent of these complications depends on the severity of sepsis as well as the length of stay in the intensive care unit and in the hospital. These complications often persist for years after the actual sepsis attack. The lack of specific, standardized rehabilitation programs for sepsis patients slows down or hinders full recovery.
These medical conditions often have far-reaching effects on the survivor's life and lifestyle.

Incidences of post traumatic stress disorder

Rape   55.5%

War   38.8%

ICU survivors*   22%

Physical violence   11.5%

Fire/Natural catastrophes   4.5%

sepsis accounts for 50-60% of ICU cases

More research on the long-term effects of sepsis is needed to understand the needs of sepsis survivors and develop long-term treatment concepts. That's why we're dedicated to supporting research in this field; more research funding is urgently needed.

The World Sepsis Day aims to improve medical knowledge of the long-term effects of sepsis. Dealing with the long-term impact of sepsis must become an integral part of learning curricula for healthcare workers, so that sepsis survivors and their loved ones can receive the support they need.

Go with 2 Crows!

A bit on the late side with this post, but here it is :P

So, after months of training, little Scarlett came down south with me for the London 10K. I think this is the 5th time I've run this one. Always a pleasure and always great views and a great crowd. This year Nike had taken over from Asics as the main sponsor... this had its problems mostly cause by them insisting on runners all wearing the same running tops. According to their 'rules' this was mandatory though on the day alot of people turned up in their charity shirts- I just wish we had too as Scarlett had raised in the region of £500 for The Scoliosis Campaign Fund (SCF)- not only through people sponsoring on-line, she also organised a cake sale at school! Well done Scaz!!
Alex, my eldest, also came down to London as cheering squad and Nigel, a mate from 'round the corner, also came and ran!
30,000 people were running today and I don't think Scarlett had ever seen an event so big. With marching bands, elite runners and 100's of charities and supporters, it is a big deal and she was rather nervous to say the least.
With this event, it usually takes about 30-40 mins to cross the start line after the gun has gone. This means we can watch, on a big screen, the winners cross the finish line before we even get to the start line! 

Eventually we set off. It was raining. We'd been stood in bin liners and finally got rid of them. The rain, I might add, was nowhere near as gruesome as at Gainsborough earlier in the year- it was enough to be vaguely pleasant and it stopped once in a while too. I've been alot faster this year on my running, but today was Scarlett's day so we stayed together (lucky for me she's not faster!!!)- Great route, a cheer from our Charity as we passed them and we'd run up and down the Embankment before we knew it and heading towards Big Ben and Westminster where we stopped momentarily to say hi to Alex (photo will go here when I get it from her!)
I'd was plagued by my shoelaces... came undone 3 times which is most annoying and nearly lost Scaz on the 3rd stop but luckily found her again.
As you go passed Big Ben, there's about 1.5km to go to the finish line on Whitehall. Scarlett was beginning to struggle a little now. In the last half km and over the finish line we held hands.... We made it and not at all a bad time...1hr 3mins 35secs

So, all in all, a good days running- boy was I glad of a shower after- we were soaked, sweaty and getting cold so back to the hotel, dry out, get warm, pack and head out for lunch and train home. 

Smashin!

Soooooo, what's next.... latest update to events is:

The Ride With Brad Sportive

Garmin Ride Out (if I'm offered a place this year)

The Wiggle Rut (Andy insists we have unfinished business- see previous post)

Cat & Fiddle Ride

GranFondo di Roma

so, plenty to do... can't wait!

The Torch Relay

The Olympic Torch. Day 39. Tuesday afternoon. Immingham. 18 nervous white-suited torchbearers gathered in a room, waiting for instructions on what to do, we chatted amongst ourselves shyly swapping stories of why we were there. After having ID checks we were issued with running numbers and I managed to find the people I'd be receiving from and giving to:Megan was to be the first runner of the Immingham stretch followed by yours truly then I pass on to Lee.

being briefed before getting on the coach

First 3 runners! Megan, Phil & Lee

Megan's nomination story

"I introduce Megan as a young local sportsperson, who works tirelessly to inspire the young people of Lincolnshire. I have known Megan since teaching her as a 6 year old. Even at that early age she was a very keen footballer, always out on the school field with the boys!! Megan is a qualified sports teacher who puts her training to excellent use with Lincoln Ladies Football Club. She has been with them since their foundation in 1996, playing regularly in the team which now plays in the newly-formed WSL. Megan drafted the successful bid which allowed them to join and she encourages young people to watch the matches, become ballgirls and be inspired towards becoming professional footballers themselves. Megan works tirelessly for the young people of Lincolnshire, especially encouraging girls to play football, through organising and leading coaching sessions in over 30 schools to date, and now at summer football camps which currently attract over 80 children. Please read the club's website for more details of their Community work - all Megan's inspiration (www.lincolnladiesfc/community.com) Pertaining to the Olympics Megan has set up a link with the Lincolnshire Sports Partnership called Quest for Gold, which is helping with the Olympic build up for the youth of Lincolnshire. Megan is an inspirational and positive role model for the young footballers of Lincolnshire and I implore you please to seriously consider her as a torch bearer. Thank you."
Lee's nomination story
"At the age of 16 he qualified for The English Schools Championships, held the Northern League title for 4 consecutive years, the first time in the history of long jump that it had happened. At the age of 19 he was offered a full scholarship to Florida State University, invited to the European U23 championships in which he won the silver 3 consecutive years before going onto winning the gold on the final year. This Gold made him the European U23 champion ranking him number 1 in the UK for the U23`s and ranking 8th in the country for all ages. In 2008 he regained his title for the Northern League and for the European U23`s and was then invited to the Olympic Trials for Beijing . Lee is part of the Belgrave Harriers Team. Lee also volunteers and does a lot of coaching in his own time."

After a few snaps and deciding on how to do the flame handover -Megan and I were 'kiss on the right cheek' and ma and Lee were, after some persuasion, 'link arms and spin around!!' (are you sure...yeah, it'll be great!)- we all boarded the coach. 

The way it was planned was that we were covering Immingham and Grimsby then drive back to Immingham, torches decommissioned and handed out and then we were free to go!)... Us Immingham lot were not over impressed but what can you do... go with the flow :)

Immingham and Grimsby torchbearers

As the coach approached the first drop off the crowds were getting big. It finally dawned on us that they were there to watch us! Shiiiit! Megan was called forward and dropped off to a massive cheer form us all on the coach and she was immediately surrounded! gulp! We carried on. By now, people were waving and pointing at us. Erm, ok, I'll wave back then! Then the coach pulled in again and it was for me.... off I trotted, given a torch and a cheer and left at the side of the road. I felt like a fish out of water. Luckily one of the police runners came and met me and got me to my spot and then it began. "can my daughter have her picture taken with you?"

"can I touch your torch?"

"can I have a picture with you too?"

It was mental. I'm nobody. It's not about me, it's the thing in my hand. Is this a snapshot of what celebrities have to put up with? Not sure this is good (well, it's fine for 10 mins...not 24/7!!!)

My family and friends were with me. It was brilliant. Dave, Aggi, Frank, Pauline, Mark, Rosemary, Nige, Nicola, Sasha, Dave (hope I've not missed anyone!) all turned out with most of them singing some embarrassing some about Immingham and torches and go with crow (think Pauline was to blame) which apparently was broadcast on the radio! 

Lots more pics and groping of the torch and I could see Megan approaching me. OMFG here we go!

Everything happened all at once. We met, we kissed, we posed and before I knew it my torch was lit "hold it up high. You now have the Olympic flame!" So I did. High as I could. And boy, was I on a high too! Posed for a picture then front and centre. "What's your name?" "Phil" "Okay Phil, let's go!" And I set off. It was bloody magic. I was running with the Olympic flame. Me! How cool is that! And people were waving at me. So I waved back! It was fabulous. I'm grinning as I type. Then across the road I saw Jules, a mate from Cranwell days, with her camera. So I waved at her! I waved at anything with a pulse!! Sooner than I thought, Lee came into sight and I dived for him, linked arms and we did our stupid twirl! Well, it made everyone cheer and smile and that is what the day was about. No sooner had that happened, I was passing the flame across to Lee's torch and having mine turned off. It was now Lee's 'moment to shine.' As for me, I was still grinning like a Cheshire cat. What a buzz! I got onto the coach and Megan and I just laughed. What else could you do! We trundled along behind the procession, still waving at everyone. As each torchbearer got onto the coach a huge cheer went up form us all. Everyone still had great big stupid grins- we just couldn't help it! We were royalty for a moment in time. Such an odd feeling. Trying to find words to describe this is proving to be really tricky especially as I have nothing to compare this to...not anything like this!
The Immingham runners were all now back on the coach. With our torches stowed, we headed across to Grimsby to cheer the others on, still waving like mad at everyone- even the police escort were waving back. It was great!

the 'Immingham torches'- all with our numbers next to our 'own' torches

And before we knew it, the Grimsby leg was complete and the coach turned off from the convoy to head back to Immingham to drop us off. Once there, the torches had their gas canisters removed and we were given our torches back. And that was it. Back to reality. Such an odd and abrupt end to the day. Everyone had gone. Even 2 of the kids had gone as they had presentations and parties to go to. Being so far out of Lincoln, my supporters had all gone home too. Quite the anti-climax in a way. It's tricky with this being mid week as what do you do afterwards. Well, nothing really.  I had to be up at 4.30am the following day as I was following the torch relay around Lincolnshire shooting it. Apart from the 'official' torch relay photographers, I think I was the only one who managed to cover 14 locations (2 of those being the following day). So, we headed home, had some tea and checked out Facebook comments (as you do! lol) and prepped my kit. One thing I did read which really touched me was from a lady called Helen Peake. I've known her for years through Lincoln Drill Hall and other places she's worked and I bump into her now and again- lovely lady :) and this is what she wrote on Facebook:

"At 4.41pm you jumped into my head so at 4.42pm I quickly googled the live torch cam and within moments there you were and me and three of my work colleagues stood watching you as your details flashed up to the right of the screen, moments later you were handing over the torch and I was wiping a tear from my eye, I know I barely know you but knowing the support you felt two years ago when you couldn't say thank you to today when all you have done is say thank you, you've been a quiet inspiration and I can't wait to hear the next part of your story!"

I wanted to cry. This is what I love about the people I choose to be in touch with. Everyone of them are fabulous friends and inspirational people. Carrying that torch...it wasn't just me during that 3 minutes...it was every special person I know. They were there with me holding that flame up- my family and my friends. After all, it was they who helped me through my time in hospital, encouraged me in my stupid rides and races and without that network behind me, today would never have happened. I must also thank Lynn for nominating me in the first place. Never in a million years did I think I'd be picked after she nominated me. Amazing. The next thing is to take the torch to ICU and share it with them and organise a belated Relay party!!!

So, what is the next part of my story? How do I top that?? Well, cycling around Rome's Colosseum might do for starters...roll on October though I'm sure I can fit something in before then... Watch this space!

The final thing I'd like to say about the Torch Relay is how uplifting for the nation this has been. Having followed it around the county, I have never seen so many people fill the streets like this event: British flags waved with pride in all weathers and happy beaming faces. Even the most cynical people who have stood at the side of the road have been touched. It's quite amazing really. I never expected this to be so heartwarming. At a time when the country is all about doom and gloom, the Olympic torch relay seems to have brought us all together. And that's a good thing... right?

News Flash

For some reason I'm hitting the flashbacks again. No idea why... triggered by really random stuff: Again in a spin class last week, I had a real vivid one and this week I've had a couple... you know... blink and it's there... blink again and it's gone. For some reason the dude at the barbers decided to wash my hair (!) no, it's not cos I don't BUT had a REAL bad flashback to ICU when one of the nurses washed my hair in some special tray contraption (I remember I insisted on the water being cold- probably because I was running a raging temp!). Also, at the moment, I'm not sleeping well AND I'm currently getting those night sweats again... gross. Bloody well sick of all this. I have no idea what's caused it to start again either. Helen reckons it's to do with it being nearly 2 years since I was in. Not convinced cos I haven't given it any real thought (unlike last year! FFS Crow, get a grip!)
On a more positive note, it's getting ever close to the Torch Relay and I'm actually looking forward to it. Not looking forward to after (as I've got to take Scarlett and Anya to end-of-year balls/parties/whatevers!). Anyway, I run at 4.44pm on Tuesday 26 June. Map below of where I'm running marked in red. My uniform's turned up too. It's a bit chavvy but never mind eh! "Your time to shine" apparently. Well I'll bloody well shine in all that white and that's for sure! Just hope someone turns up to give me a little wave! Full report to follow :)

map of the centre of Immingham showing part of the torch's route. There are 9 of us running here.

The nice man from UPS brought me this package

Can't say I'll get much wear out of the uniform... I don't play that much cricket!

The Dragon Ride 10 June

Wales. A place I know well, or at least North Wales... as a boy I spent most summers there in Llandudno, Rhos-on-Sea, Colwyn Bay, Conwy, that sort of area. Rain and blustery weather for most of the time, amazing when the sun came out. Ahh the joys of caravanning and a very selective memory!

Anyway, after a 4 hr drive I arrive in the Port Talbot/ Swansea area and after being ROBBED of £6 on the Severn Bridge I finally arrive at my hotel. Cracking little place 12 miles from Margham Park (race start/finish) and pretty cheap too. The Mercure Swansea Hotel was full of cyclists all cramming with carbs! Me, a cheeky little swim and then stuff my face. Quite easy to drop off after as I was cream crackered from the drive.

Start time for me was 0830 and after an average breakfast, I arrive at the car park. For the last 7 days I've been watching the weather. Forecasts have been totally crap of recent months. Not accurate at all. It had got to the point where 3 apps on my phone were all saying different things. The day before the race Mid Wales floods and yet South Wales is as sunny as! Bizarre! The weather for sunday, however was still not decided... by God or the weatherman... noone seemed to know which doesn't help when you need to dress and pack accordingly. Some rain in the air and low clouds... rain apparently in the afternoon but fair temperatures: Shorts, long sleeve top and rain jacket then! By the time we all started (and the start, marshals and general event organisation was a dream!) the rain had cleared and 10 miles in I was almost poached in my rain jacket. It was getting that warm!



And now for some detail. The website says:
One of the oldest established British sportives, the Dragon Ride is held over the hills and valleys of South Wales and the Brecon Beacons taking in the highest mountains in southern Britain. 


3 distances: Gran Fondo 206km/3350m, Medio Fondo 125km/1875m, Corto 37km/430m


I got my place by ballot. I'd entered for Gran Fondo Distance BUT after the Lincoln ride, I'd decided to do Medio instead. With 4 hours driving afterwards, I needed to be able to function PLUS I want to enjoy the day not make my legs explode... not yet anyway! And besides, the Medio is still bloody lumpy! Here's the profile...

Compared to the Lincoln sportive, I felt good and on form and the ride was excellent. Great marshalling at all times, roads were pretty good and the ride was just fantastic. Worst of the climbing was 17% but on average it was steady between 7-10% with some cracking descents and roads I felt I could enjoy at good speeds. I've been quite apprehensive since the lads crashed last year but confidence is growing but not to the point of the need of a spinal board...I hope!!

At the crossover point between Medio and Gran, I knew I'd made the right decision: 2 magpies shot over me as I turned to the Medio. Brilliant!! (Yes, I'm one of those people that has to salute single magpies. Drives Andy up the wall! hahahaha)

I really enjoyed the climbs on this one. There were points on both Rhigos and Bwich when I thought I'd had it but you just keep pedalling. Dunno how sometimes but it is so worth it at the top! Final descent off Bwich was superb. Probably because I was heading home again. Some good speed up and time to recover from the climb and then blast through the final miles back to Margham Park.

I'm no Wiggins when it comes to speed, I'm a plodder, but I enjoy the ride, I clear my head and it's fun. And if it's not fun, there's no point in doing it. Do I need my family with me on these jaunts? Ideally, yes but I'm not going to bore them stupid waiting for me...it's fine if it's somewhere like Switzerland as there's things to do. It would be brilliant if any of them would ride with me, but that's not going to happen. If they could experience what I experience then..... well, each to their own eh!?

Another route, another set of hills and home time. 6hrs in the saddle and, actually, I feel really good... until I remember how long the drive is. Bugger ;-) Oh well, here's to the next event. On the calendar next is TORCH RELAY! followed swiftly by the London 10k with my daughter, Scarlett. Fabulous. Bring it on.